Former Page 3 Girl Keeley Hazell with her impressive cleavage on show, is auditioning for an autobiographical role in a TV pilot for a show called Ted Lasso that may – but probably won’t – become a global smash hit. She thinks she’s smashed the audition – after all this is her story – but is stunned to learn the role of Keeley has instead been given to a rival she brands a “public school educated ‘nepo baby’ who didn’t even need to do an audition thanks to her TV executive parents”.
The snub in losing the role to Juno Temple proves the culmination for a tumultuous period in the life of Hazell that she chronicled in her autobiography released last year that has been transformed into an engaging, but at times awkward, one-woman production premiering at this year’s Edinburgh Festival.
The 39-year-old has a great story to tell as she walks us through her life of unfortunate mishaps and numerous wrong decisions. But what this performance actually is, I’m still not quite sure – theatre or comedy? She starts out playing the role of first-person narrator – slipping in and out of other characters with some great mimicking and accent observation – at other times it’s a straight monologue.
Whilst it launched her career and opportunities she has regrets about her topless modelling career – having won a Page 3 Idol competition to reveal her “assets” to a red top audience of millions – but this is mainly because she never envisaged those photographs gaining a new – and never ending lease of life in the internet era.
Or to put it bluntly as the show title exclaims – “Everyone Has Seen My T**s”.
Drugs, less than palatable boyfriends with crude nicknames and Hollywood star lovers are all introduced to the unfolding narrative to keep the audience interested, however the underlying theme of newly-found feminism post-modelling career is blunted by her one-dimensional depictions of female characters such as her mum and sisters.
Revenge porn that saw her private life broadcast to the masses by pornographer and current West Ham owner David Sullivan buying a sex tape from her former fiancée – he bought a Range Rover with the cash – clearly has a devastating effect on Hazell and her best moments are when she slowly reveals the “thing I don’t like to talk about.” The hurt she feels is palpable.
Hazell talks with earnest honesty and there is no doubt she is showing huge bravery in the intimate Edinburgh Festival setting, with her audience at close quarters, presenting a show to ensure that she is no longer erased from her own story.
This strength saw her demand to tell her own story as she was eventually invited to join the writer’s panel on Ted Lasso and even co-write season three Episode 8: “We’ll Never Have Paris”.
Keeley Hazell: Everyone’s Seen My T**s plays Bunker Two at Pleasance Courtyard at the 2026 Edinburgh Fringe until August 30.
